The opposite of thunder
The trees were struck dumb by the light,
and the houses shone back equal astonishment,
with the clouds covering the east like a black cloth
backdrop, making this light impossible, transfixing,
transfixed. The shadows line up along the fence
awaiting strange commands.
Evenings like this, it is hard to remember anything
voiced. Our voices are not part of us, and if we tried
to speak we would say everything at once.
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3 comments:
I love this a lot: the prosy tone is the right one in which to matter-of-factly describe this amazing moment of cosmic speechlessness. The first and last lines are perfect (the multitudes that innundate the little poem--previously devoid of human life--in the last line with their converging intentions and feelings are very strong and strange) but I do think a little tweaking is in order to streamline the first stanza.
1. It would help me get my bearings if you chose one tense.
2. Also, perhaps end the sentence at the end of line two, and then start a new sentence, forgoing the continuous verbs. I think discontinuity and containedness suit the subject.
3. In the further interest of simplicity, consider more linebreaks concurrent with sentence endings or pauses. Consider also adding more white space into the poem to slow down the eye.
Sorry it took me so long to comment; mostly I just enjoy reading this.
thanks!
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