Monday, February 4, 2008
The world from inside
Anya, if your theory about a poem being a blessing is true, I would like to bless you.
And the boy with cordoroys on the Brooklyn-bound A train running local for the C,
a trip that takes so long (mom, we’ve been on this train for hours, right?) he leans
against the man next to him with the earphones to escape his sister’s oompa joompa;
then snaps shoulders forward with his own. Oompa joompa! (guys, lets try to be calm.)
Fur hoods on fidgety brother and sister (but mom!) (but what?) (nothing. But mom?)
Such a multitude of stops, a wealth of worlds beyond this car, and each,
the older sister tells her brother, is a place, like Queens.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Alternate titles:
The world from underneath
The world from inside the world
The world from inside it
etc. (help)
Sorry its taken such a while.
I like the overall feel of the poem, and especially the ending, but I think there's something a little too disjointed about the first stanza. I can't fit it with the rest of the poem, nor figure out why the second line starts with "And." Well, I CAN see what you mean, but paired with the parenthetical tone, it's too much to put together.
I think I might try to rewrite the middle so it fits more beautifully with "such a multitude..." and the lines that follow. Alternatively you could change the formatting---turn these into two separate parts. But I like the space in the poem, I think it makes the scene sink harder.
And I love love the Oompa joompa!
Keep the title as is, definitely.
Hope this helps somewhat.
Post a Comment