What is the purpose of globes? A large thing falsely small.
The globe with colorful countries pasted on it;
the globe containing, adrift in plastic snow,
a city where the atmosphere is liquid, denser than air.
Yes, this is how we, outside of cities, feel;
our noses smudge against the lens of glass,
our hovering breaths behold the skyline whole
and fiercely we believe that it is real,
unlike the sere, street-level town in which
to represent a large expanse of grass
someone has taken pains to depict each blade, and filled a useless field.
5 comments:
Dear Elsbeth,
I'm still thinking about this. I like its bite- the bitterness of the suburbanite feeling excluded from city life. On the whole I treasure the descriptions you give. Only I suppose I feel it gathers
strength as it goes, and the beginning gets a little left behind. But it's perhaps a necessary beginning. Those first three lines don't pack as much punch as the rest, but I'm not sure yet how to advise on this. I'm also still considering if the amount of pauses in the fourth line inhibits the reader and the rhythm, or, perhaps, sets a tone that you're going for.
This is just to say, I have read it, and I'll get back to you soon.
p.s. Travis and I are both very impressed with sere (wherever did you get it from?) and are you aware of its qualities as a noun (a claw, talon, or plant community) and adverb (separately)?
For those of you out there like me, as an adjective it's: dry, withered.
Okay, upon further reading:
I like the first question, and that it starts that way, and I like the way the poem deals with the question and presses our noses against the glass. The tone is perfect, I only think it could use just a bit more tweaking in other ways.
I'm having trouble with the final image. When you say "represent" are you talking about an image of the town or the town itself? I like the comparison of the liquid atmosphere of the city, (both in the sense of the snow globe, and the sense of motion and vibrancy it depicts about the actual city) with the dry, flat, useless town. I think the image still work well with a little further clarification.
Also, there's something a little choppy about the motion of the poem. I think perhaps you lose some momentum when you switch your syntax so much in a poem of this size, as in:
our noses smudge against the lens of glass,
our hovering breaths behold the skyline whole
though I do like both of those lines. Perhaps it just needs to be smoothed over a bit with a peanut butter knife.
I'm sorry I haven't given more helpful suggestions, I hope to in the future.
yours truly,
hst
The globe with colorful countries pasted on it;
the globe containing, adrift in plastic snow,
a city where the atmosphere is liquid, denser than air.
this I love. Actually, the whole thing is pretty terrifically packed in, though I'd agree that the final image may still need to be condensed.
i think this is very elizabeth bishop-esque. i would make the globes singular in the first line, which sounds a bit shakespearian, even.
what is the purpose of a globe? a large thing falsely small...
it has taken me a long time to respond to this poem because i loved it the first time i read it but didn't quite get the snow-globe image (not sure how this is possible in retrospect, as your description is very clear). anyway, i happen to have an intense hatred for snow globes, which then colored my subsequent readings and so i put aside responding until today, when i can say with confidence that, despite my hatred for snow globes, i think the image works well in this poem, and that generally the poem seems very complete, clear, and powerful. that said, i think the 2nd line is the weakest, and that the description in the 3rd and 4th lines could be further compacted, e.g.
What is the purpose of a globe? A large thing falsely small.
The globe with color patches pasted on;
the globe containing liquid atmosphere, adrift in plastic snow.
then, my only other question is can breaths really behold?
oops. i didn't mean to omit the city in the globe. that is obviously important. what i meant was
What is the purpose of a globe? A large thing falsely small.
The globe with color patches pasted on;
the globe containing liquid atmosphere, a city adrift in plastic snow.
or
the globe that contains a city adrift
in liquid atmosphere and plastic snow
?
or maybe another verb besides contains. holds? keeps?
in any case, i think this poem is very close.
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